there’s sad thoughts in my head again and I don’t know what to do, just like always. the thing about this time it’s that it’s getting in the way of things and it’s holding me back from having an ok time. it’s so frustrating because all I’d have to do is a couple of steps to soothe the damn thoughts and calm down a bit. but I keep coming back to some things in the past and it bothers me a lot that things didn’t turn out how I wanted them to. it really hurts to think about past events and how i screwed up terribly.

so lately I haven’t been able to do lots of my writing it’s gotten out of my hands I don’t know how I want to deal with life and that’s okay I guess it’s nothing new late ly a lot of things have been going on and I just don’t wanna deal with I have this huge book to read and I’ve barely started with about 40 pages at max idk I’m pretty much a lazy reader. I don’t practice it much but although my strengths aren’t in reading I do think a lot about how my writing has progressed and how I really can put my thoughts into words because I am very proud of that it’s amazing the things I can just start writing about myself but I can’t really say the same thing about my talking, I can’t really say I’m an amazing person when it comes to creating conversation because I’m pretty much an egotistical bastard. and if you didn’t know what originally the word bastard means well it’s okay, I learned about what it really meant a couple of months ago. the definition of it is that you don’t have a dad. I didn’t, so yeah it explains me. not that I’m ranting about me not having a dad, no that doesn’t matter actually. I had more support than just a dad I had my family and I mean my uncles and my grandparents. my mom on the other hand I can’t talk bad about her so much because all she’s ever wanted was for me to exceed her life and succeed her expectations and that’s all a parent really wants but sometimes everyone gets blinded into it. really weird isn’t it. how at first your goal was something good but it turned out being something bad in the end. how all you wanted for your child was good things and good outcomes. but it all went bad just because of a couple of thoughts that blinded you. I’m sitting on the top of a parking lot and my thoughts couldn’t be clearer. I’m so stupid at how I make myself go through so much pain when I don’t really have that many problems. my only problem is basically the inner war or conflict I have with my personality and how I want to strive and be better, overcome my bad thoughts and finally become that son or person my mother wanted me to be. an architect, a doctor, a lawyer. something big and who makes a lot of money but all I can really do is blab about how profound I think I am and which is all shit because I really am not that profound. I am shallow and people sometimes try to tell me “no you aren’t, you’re so good” and all those other things you make up to tell people they’re good and everything. I actually really like how all of this is coming along and each word I put into this writing is actually helping. free writing is something a lot of people need because look at all I’ve got so far, unbelievable isn’t it? pretty amazing what a bit of time to yourself, some wind, fresh air, and a couple of cigarettes can do for you.